Everybody is your friend at Babies 'R' Us.

It’s true.

Kelly and I went last Sunday to start looking for furniture, strollers, car seats, etc. And I had no idea that your fellow Babies ‘R’ Us shoppers are just about the friendliest people you’ll ever meet anywhere ever. They are so happy to stop and say hello and spend a few minutes chatting. Especially after they’ve already been eavesdropping on your conversation.

They’ll give you advice, too. Advice that has no basis in fact and/or relevance to the conversation you were actually having. Completely unsolicited. But again, they sure are friendly about it, with their big smiles and crazy eyes as you try to politely say thank you in a manner that also clearly signals the end of your exchange. As it is generally considered bad form to say to pregnant strangers and their eerily serene husbands, “Quit talking to me. Go away.”

The employees are also very friendly, but I don’t think they’re altogether sincere. I think it’s because they know that’s the best way to keep all those pregnant women docile. It’s really a safety issue more than anything. With all those whacked out hormones in play, there could be a riot. Or perhaps they might flood the place with a river of tears.

So yeah, Babies ‘R’ Us has quite an overwhelming selection of baby requisites. And don’t get me wrong. It’s all pretty cool stuff. But for Future Dads,* where it’s at is the baby monitor department. For that is where Babies ‘R’ Us most resembles Best Buy.

Consider this. A baby monitor has an on/off switch. Many look like walkie-talkies. It involves a speaker. It makes sounds and has an antenna. Some baby monitors have screens, making it sort of like watching television. A baby monitor is vaguely high tech. Sign me up. If only Apple made one. I’d totally dig an iMonitor.

Ah, Iggy. You may start looking forward to My First iPod…now. To think, the Walkman didn’t even exist when I was born. People barely even used cassettes, although you don’t really need to know about those. Records, yes. But for cassettes, I think we’ll just cover the basics of making a mixtape, and how mixtape theory can be applied to making a mix disc.

There are so many things I have to teach you, Iggy. But first, we must get you a stroller. Which one do you like, crazy-eyed pregnant stranger?

*Note to self: Future Dad is a sweet name for a superhero. The theme song would go, “He comes from the future! He’s Future Dad! He knows the future so he knows when you’ll be bad! Watch out! It’s Future Dad! You have to go to bed early! And you don’t even know what you did! Since you haven’t done it yet! But Future Dad is on to you! ‘Cause he’s from the future! Like we said! Intriguing ethical dilemma! Get that out of your mouth! Future Dad!”